Red's Hot Sauce/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, at my age, a good long shag means only one thing... Carpeting. And I'll tell you, it's the ugliest roll in the store. They thought they'd never unload it. So I got it at a great price. They're so happy to get rid of it, they even lent me this forklift to take it home. They must think I'm nuts. But they're wrong. I'm not crazy, I'm lazy. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. We're all getting ready for the possum lodge barbeque games. That's where all the members bring in their game, and we barbeque it. Now, I was supposed to get the barbeque sauce, but you know the stuff that you buy, it's watered down, it's overpriced, plus I forgot to get it. So instead, I went down in the basement and mixed up my own. I call it red's hot sauce. Pretty spicy, I'll tell you. My slogan is: Who says men never cry? It was either that or wind at my back. Hey, red, harold's looking for the barbeque sauce. He wants that mild honey mesquite. No, no, no. We're going another way this year, dalton. Red's hot sauce. Oh, really! What's in it? Uh, mainly ketchup, but there's some other stuff. I got mustard and jalepeños and cayenne and wasabi oh, ho ho! And horseradish in here. I got some allspice, I got a secret ingredient and one really moist prune. Wow! Geez, it looks great. What's the secret ingredient? Even I don't know, to be honest with you! You know, there was this can of blue gooey stuff at the back of the pantry, so I, you know -- mind if I have a taste? No! No! Not that way. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Here, put a little on a toothpick and try that. Oh! Ha ha! Heh. Heh. Heh. Hmm. Yeah? Yeah? You know, that prune gives it a nice -- ah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah. Oh, boy. Whoa! Whoo! [ sigh ] that's good. That's really good! I'm tellin' you. Yeah. Excuse me! You guys -- [ applause and cheers ] what's goin' on? Have you got a problem or something, because my loins are overheating. I'm here for the barbeque sauce. What's this? That's barbeque sauce. That's barbeque sauce? Very much so. Okay. It doesn't look like mild honey mesquite. No, no, it's something a little different. Very much so. Harold, you're the one always complaining that I never try anything new. Hm, okay. What? Nuthin'. No, nothing. It's good. Go. Good. Good. [ shrieking! ] [ shrieking ] [ shrieking ] [ hearty laugh ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today, mr. Dalton humphrey will be playing for this gorgeous necklace from diamond joe's discount jeweller and hog fat rendering plant. "at diamond joe's, we put pearls before swine." okay, cover your ears here, dalton. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. Okay, and... Go! Okay, dalton, when two people do battle and neither one comes out ahead, that's called a... Marriage. No. No. I'm saying -- this is something that's a dead heat. It's a... Honeymoon. No. Okay. Okay, no. Okay, pretend anne marie comes home in a bad mood. Pretend! Ha! No, okay, but you wanna make her feel good, so you turn on the tap in the bathtub and you... Drown myself? Okay. Okay. Okay. This is another word for taking money out of your bank account. Heh. Heh. Taking money out of my bank account! That's a good one. Red, you're almost outta time. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, dalton, this is a four-letter word, okay, but it's part of another word. It's something you pull out in the bedroom. Yeah. Oh, my god! I can't say that! I gotta withdraw. There we go. Grab your cans and label makers coz it's time for harold's hobby house! [ cheers and applause ] my first guest today -- my first guest today, he's a hobbyist, and he's also the owner of the local -- the crafts supply store here in town. It's the hot dog hobby shop. Yeah -- yeah, he's living his dream. Please welcome my first guest, mr. Frank koepke! [ cheers and applause ] welcome, frank. Thank you, harold. Some of your viewers may know me as that fella who makes handy household items using only hot dogs. Wow! Now, why hot dogs? I-it's cheaper than lumber. Really? Coz you see, I would think that a 4x8 sheet of wiener would actually cost more than plywood. No! No? Not if you buy in bulk and very close to the expiry date. Then you can make something like this. It's a dog food dish made entirely out of hot dogs. Perfect for wiener dogs. I love wiener dogs. Well, I love the name. Wiener dogs. Just, um, frank, um, wouldn't the dog just eat the dish? No. I don't think so, no. I do. I think the dog would just eat the dish. Uh, would all hot dog experts please raise their hands? Aha! I think a dog knows enough not to eat its serving dish. Dogs! Dogs bark at their own reflections. They lick places I can't even say on tv. It's true. It's true. I'm pretty sure I know dogs well enough that a dog would eat that dish and then he'd lick the floor and then wash it all down with a big gulp of toilet bowl water. What else do you have for us, frank? Well, nothing says romance like candles. And you just can't go wrong with these all beef candle sticks. And the best part is they're scented. Is that hickory? Yes, it is. I thought so. It also comes in barbeque, garlic, cajun which isn't a flavour, but it really impresses the ladies. Oh, also have something very special here. Tada! Guess who that is. Sigourney wiener? No. Mr. Stupid hot dog head? I don't know! You know what, it's actually my fault, because I haven't quite finished it yet. That's the problem. It's his fault. Can't blame me. When I say it was my fault, I was just being polite. Oh. Ha! That's me! We have a wiener. That's good. The teenage years are painful, difficult and awkward. And not just for the parents, especially if the teens get interested in hobbies like knocking over liquor stores or beating up the elderly. And the most dangerous stuff in life happens late at night, which you proved during their conception. So the best way to prevent bad things from happening is to get your kids to come home at a decent hour. To do that you need something to attract them. You know, other than the $5,000 worth of video games and computer equipment you bought 'em. You need a lure, a teen trap. See, when a teenager gets home, first place he goes is the fridge. A fridge door has magical powers that draws in all teenagers. Maybe it's from the magnets on there, I dunno. But the same kid who can't focus on the blackboard for 30 seconds will spend an hour, bent over, staring into this baby. So take that power and use it... On the front of your house. Now when your kid is out a night, dancing or throwing rocks at traffic or whatever, he'll remember this fridge door, and he'll wanna come runnin' home to see what's inside. And here's an added bonus... He'll never be able to sneak into the house. [ laughter and applause ] you know, they say that in a man's life he'll own at least 10 cars. Well, maybe not "own", but at least make payments on. Guys get different types of vehicles, depending on their age and situation. At first it's something sleek and sporty that says, I'm single and fast, and there's no room for a baby carriage in this unit. But after a few miles and a bunch of service centres, things have changed. He's not a sports car anymore. What was once sleek and sporty, is now meek and forty. He's a minivan. But he doesn't call it a minivan. He calls it a "magic wagon". Oh, sure, a rusted out dumpster on wheels is a magic wagon. And dandruff is fairy dust. The car you drive is a mirror of your own vitality. And have you looked in that mirror lately? "objects may appear older than they are." not pretty, is it? Big and slow, airbags everywhere and a huge trunk. But here's the good news. At this point, you don't need speed. You don't have very far to go, and you sure don't need to get there early. Just relax, take your foot off the gas, and do what you spent your whole life perfecting, coast. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] you think fear factor's gross, I eat with these hands! Well, the barbeque games were so successful, we're taking red's hot sauce to a whole new level. We're goin' commercial. But it's not enough to have a product. You also have to have the marketing. I mean, where would paul newman salad dressing be without paul newman? Or michelin tires without the big, hairless, french, albino, marshmallow guy? Or janet jackson without the superbowl? So our marketing gimmick is our packaging. It's a water pistol, huh? Now you can spice up your steak, without even getting out of your lawn chair. You can shoot your game twice. And I got a new name for it... Red's Saturday night special sauce. If you're goin' to a party, make sure you're packin' heat. Uncle red! Uncle red! What is the secret ingredient in that sauce? I dunno, harold. See, that's the beauty of it. Nobody knows. I went up to the university and took this up to the lab, and they've analyzed it, right. Oh, no, harold, wait a sec. The time has come. It's jet fuel. Wow! You cannot sell that sauce! People don't like blowing up. Okay, first of all, that's a generalization. And secondly, we're not gonna sell it as barbeque sauce. We're gonna sell it as gasoline additive. We're gonna make a killing, harold. Exactly! Red: We all agreed to meet out behind the lodge and fix the picket fence. And bill and walter are going to help out. And I don't know what the bale of straw -- guys, we're doin' the picket fence. No, no, you agreed -- what's the straw -- what's the bale of straw for? Okay, they're gonna do some kind of archery. What are you doin', bill? What is that? He's got a -- wow! He's got a crossbow in his pants. Okay. Well, I'll just work on the fence myself. It's really not that much of a surprise to be honest with you. He's got another crossbow in his pants! Holy cow. So they get all set up. To me, it's a maturity thing. I'd just as soon do it myself, without a couple of goofballs like this working with me. Okay, yeah, you got the arrows and everything. See how I became leader? So I'm workin' away, tryin' to clean up the environment to make this a better world for all of us, meanwhile, they're goofin' around doin' a kind of a charlie's angels thing. Now, the problem with the crossbows is they're a little bit tricky, especially when you have no idea what you're doin'. So bill sticks an arrow in there, and of course, it doesn't shoot. Now, you kids at home, don't even think about doin' what walter's about to do. This is not how you check -- no, this is not -- this is not a good idea. No, walter. No. No, no, no. Well, as it turns out, the safety was on. I see why. There we go. We're fine, okay. Now they're all set to go, and, uh -- oops. Oh, all right. Okay. Saves money on a babysitter. Okay, now, just get that out of there, walter. Just yank it out. There we go. Okay, now, the thing with the bale of straw -- I'm not sure it'll stop. These crossbows have a -- straight through and... Nails my hammer. Of course, these guys are oblivious, and they just keep firing. And the next thing you know my paintbrush is jammed with an arrow through it. And now they start coming thick and fast. They get the mailbox there they're starting to hit the picket fence with the arrows coming through, and the next thing I lose my bouquet of flowers here. So I'm thinking I better get in the van, get some safety. They don't even realise these things are going right through the bale of straw. So I'm in the van -- oh, boy! Okay, but do you think metal would stop one of these -- not so. Apparently not so. So now I'm thinking, I should probably -- oh, there goes a tire. I should be fighting fire with fire at this point. So I'll use my wheel disks, get back there. I decide to make my own crossbow, using the old picket fence. And there's one arrow comin' their way. And here comes another one. And then... Oh! Wow, now, this is fun. Oh! Hey, that's a touchdown. If you have to cut your grass more than three times a week, call rothschild's. If your lawn mower disappears into a sinkhole, try our emergency number. Boy, I tell you, this gasoline additive is a real winner. Guys care a lot more about their cars than they do about their barbeques. We changed the packaging; we got a new name. I'm callin' it red's gas attack. I'm actually gonna play myself in the tv commercial. Dalton's just on his way over here right now to figure out how we can do it for free. But I tell you, man oh man, everybody's car is runnin' great. They're gettin' fantastic gas mileage. The only problem is the exhaust smells like a sirloin steak. You know, like a dog'll chase you for like 90 miles. When I was sitting there idling, fat guys started circling my vehicle. [ explosion ] excuse me a minute. Oh, boy. Ahem. Red, I need to talk to you. What explosion? I didn't hear anything. That was my car. That was my car with your gasoline treatment in it. That was the loudest backfire I've ever heard. Oh, sure, it was exciting, and it smelled a bit like ribs, but it blew my engine! Boy, that is unfortunate. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Now, what are you gonna do about it? Well, uh, how about a lifetime supply of the -- no! No! Uh, well, okay, I'll replace your car. What was it anyway? Well, it was an '82 reliant with less than 500,000 miles on it. Okay, I can get one, but you'll have to wait till garbage day. [ possum squealing ] meeting time! Yeah. Yeah. Lighten up, dalton, okay. The plan backfired and so did your car. But you didn't get hurt. Nobody was following you, were they? I don't think so. I dunno. Well, see, so there's no problem. Away you go. Go on. [ laughter and applause ] uncle red -- that's what you get for tailgating, harold. It's meeting time. I was an innocent victim in a barbeque sauce explosion! You know, harold, you're not the first virgin to be burned at the 'steak'. Away you go. [ applause ] if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I am out of the barbeque business, and hoping maybe you and I can cook something up later now that I'm off the sauce. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, everyone, have a seat. Come on, sit down now. Have a seat. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, it's all over with the barbeque sauce and the fuel additive, because apparently the stuff blows up. So I would suggest you get that out of your gas tank immediately unless your car is a rental. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com